Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

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My boss just fired me because I spent the past 45 minutes taking a crap. I don’t see why he can’t just clean it off his desk, and move on.


Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.


Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”


8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues.

To the other two….

Hi, I’m MJ


I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”


My phone always asks if I “Trust This Computer” like it knows something I don’t.


Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.


I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*


The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.