Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
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The fall of Netflix
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”