ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

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As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.


My office password’s been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.


good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee


*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.


Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.


Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?


Me: I hate you


me: i didn’t think bird box was that good

the internet: you actually watched it? you were just supposed to make memes about it you idiot


“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”


Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
But NO.
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.


I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.