@SirEviscerate

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

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@AndyRichter

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

@liz_buckley

My office password’s been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

@junejuly12

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

@skylerhanrath

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

@BunAndLeggings

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

@actualhuman01

me: i didn’t think bird box was that good

the internet: you actually watched it? you were just supposed to make memes about it you idiot

@laurajennyjo

“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”
..

@RobynPorteous

Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
But NO.
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.

@mlefaye

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.