ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

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Guard: what do you want for your last meal?

Me: anything?

Guard: anything

Me: the warden

Guard: oooooo he ain’t gonna like that…


[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
“Oh honey, I love it!”


[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry


*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—


“How come Americans write the month first?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today”
“It’s the fourth of July”


i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels


I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.


“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born


God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth