ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
what?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay