exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
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just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
At least he brought enough for everyone
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
this chia pet tastes awful
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night