*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
“What color was it?” – Guy that stole your lighter.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.
To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”