ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

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ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one


In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.


1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.


To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.


Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.


Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”