ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
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Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
When you kidnap a writer.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
What do you hear?
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!