@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *falls off a ladder*

Wife: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU INJURED?

Me: *obviously concussed but also bleeding* I’m injured and outjured

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@daemonic3

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

@ArfMeasures

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

@salmarch79

Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her’s and copy exactly what she wrote.

@rn_murse

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

@Kyle_Lippert

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

@Sickayduh

Single guy
“I can’t do anything right.”

Married guy
“I can’t do anything, right?”

@NewDadNotes

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

@bencoffeehall

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.