If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss
Me: *falls off a ladder*
Wife: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU INJURED?
Me: *obviously concussed but also bleeding* I’m injured and outjured
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My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now
Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.
Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.
Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand
I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.
This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.