Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
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Ah yes. The three genders
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”