Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Me: *falls off a ladder*
Wife: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU INJURED?
Me: *obviously concussed but also bleeding* I’m injured and outjured
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ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die
*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her’s and copy exactly what she wrote.
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
“I can’t do anything right.”
“I can’t do anything, right?”
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.