@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *falls off a ladder*

Wife: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU INJURED?

Me: *obviously concussed but also bleeding* I’m injured and outjured

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@Jaywoo74

If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss

@Phook75

My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now

@cbdoubleu

[Arouses Suspicion]

Suspicion: I don’t want to ruin our friendship.

@riverpig12

Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.

@Burger_Time_

Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand

@lovemyboots111

I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off

@joeljeffrey

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

@GrantTanaka

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

@TheTweetOfGod

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

@orny_xo

This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.