friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
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*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
A new level of troll.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.