ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
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Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
He wanted to make sure😂