me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
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I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
A double negative is a big no-no.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.