Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.