Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I’ve been learning to cook.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.