[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
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*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.