me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Easy enough.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it