Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
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I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas