Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
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[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?