@jacquiewalters

Me: *finally deciding to be productive*

Computer: I SHALL UPDATE FOR YOU NOW

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@AnkCoupleTO

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

@DopeyTweeter

Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.

@lisaxy424

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

@FeelingEuphoric

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

@JTQuest

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

@Cpin42

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

@JohnLyonTweets

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.