This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
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My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Hell yeah 👍
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me