Me: *finally deciding to be productive*


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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah


Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.


Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first


I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”


Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.


5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff


“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.


My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.