Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
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Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
What
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.