Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
You Might Also Like
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Everyone’s family
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.