“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
*turns to camera*
*cop starts breakdancing*
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
*on a date pointing to a pothole*
I made that with my fist. I hate roads
I just licked guacamole off my elbow.
Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
My mom said if I try to storm Area 51 that I’m grounded, so I guess I’m out, you guys.