Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

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“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*


You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.



– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill


*on a date pointing to a pothole*

I made that with my fist. I hate roads


Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.


[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?


The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.


My mom said if I try to storm Area 51 that I’m grounded, so I guess I’m out, you guys.