Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
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If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
is this a threat
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
checking out some reviews of my local library