@chuuew

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

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@queuethorn

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

@randypaint

boomers: video games teach kids that dying has no consequence, you can’t respawn in real life ya know

boomers 20 years ago: shut up and watch this coyote die repeatedly while attempting murder

@sock_holliday

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

@Darlainky

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

@not_thenanny

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

@stuckinaportal

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

@BobTheSuit

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

@Shade510

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

@daddydoubts

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.