mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
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boomers: video games teach kids that dying has no consequence, you can’t respawn in real life ya know
boomers 20 years ago: shut up and watch this coyote die repeatedly while attempting murder
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Best coffee I ever had was the one that stayed on my bumper for 7 miles