Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
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Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Home #decor warning.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner