Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
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People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”