@zebrasyndicate

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

- @zebrasyndicate

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

@UncleDuke1969

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

@ellorysmith

huge congratulations to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep

@rolldiggity

Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”

@Reverend_Scott

Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.

@AndrewChamings

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

@RocketRankoon

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

@renchanted

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

@BillMc7

My neighbor is a micro biologist.
I’ve never seen him.