Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
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2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.