Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.


It’s 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I’m still writing 2014 on my checks.


Cook for your kids and they’ll eat and not help clean up.

Teach your kids to cook and they’ll eat and not help clean up a way worse mess.


Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]


WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*


[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*


[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]


son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today?
*puts hand on sons shoulder*
if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u


Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.


Gave my cat some almond milk and now she teaches hot yoga on Thursday nights.