Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
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Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda