@mommy_cusses

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

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@ValeeGrrl

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

@wwwdotben

It’s 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I’m still writing 2014 on my checks.

@sweetmomissa

Cook for your kids and they’ll eat and not help clean up.

Teach your kids to cook and they’ll eat and not help clean up a way worse mess.

@PhilJamesson

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

@bobby

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

@EJGomez

son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today?
*puts hand on sons shoulder*
if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u

@QwertyJones3

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

@sammyrhodes

Gave my cat some almond milk and now she teaches hot yoga on Thursday nights.