Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
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I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My avi is human, but I’m a cartoon in real life.
Brain: Don’t do it.
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-
“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I’ve become a believer in letting the walls and furniture teach my kids that there is no running in the house.
I call it the School of Hard Knock Yo Selves Out.
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
ME: well said, kitty, well said
FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]