@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

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@rajandelman

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

@yupkirsten

friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that

@IanDunt

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

@FFmaxhyde

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

@Birdhumms

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

@InternetHippo

[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth
EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok

@pan_duh

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

@KevinFarzad

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

@kelkulus

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.