When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
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friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth
EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.