@sofarrsogud

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

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@Easy_Tiger__

Gf: do I look fat in these pants?

Brain: oh god it’s a trap, this is what we’ve been training for

Me: I’ve seen worse

Brain: WTF MAN

@dril

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.

@nayele18maybe

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

@Eatingmeals

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

@Darlainky

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

@Burnam1

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

@Maxine12333

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

@jonnysun

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

@kashanacauley

What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.