ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?


ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

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ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman


[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”


doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password


Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.


condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids


Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.


[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr


How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?


“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!