Gf: do I look fat in these pants?
Brain: oh god it’s a trap, this is what we’ve been training for
Me: I’ve seen worse
Brain: WTF MAN
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
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sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.