ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?


ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

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Gf: do I look fat in these pants?

Brain: oh god it’s a trap, this is what we’ve been training for

Me: I’ve seen worse

Brain: WTF MAN


sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life


Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.


If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.


One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”


Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*


My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes


Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.


*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO


What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.