@truegritrumble

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

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@EJGomez

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

@AristotlesNZ

3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.

@iCumBl00d

My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.

@ADHDeanASL

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

@BoogTweets

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

@BrassBallsCJ

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

@Feel_Dont_Speak

A friend will invite you for beers
A good friend will pick up the tab
A best friend will hold your hair

All three will have blackmail pics

@IanKarmel

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

@MoistPork

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

@badbanana

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.