[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

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Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?


Dear America: it’s called English for a reason. They invented it. It’s not “English” spelling. It’s correct spelling… This is a subtweet.


Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.


I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.


I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts


*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea


April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.


I was banned from guitar class because of an inappropriate reaction to “let’s practice your fingering technique”