[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
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WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.