*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
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Me: This chicken is undercooked.
Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking.
Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust
Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.