Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
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I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I feel attacked.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.