Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
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[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
*orders delivery*
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms