Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
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You know you’ve had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.
before you criticize someone remember they’re a human being just like you with flaws and insecurities and if you focus on those it’s easier to make them cry
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
*slips into milk bath* *starts drinking*