Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

Hey I worked for it too!

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.