@jesseltaylor

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

- @jesseltaylor

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@Love_bug1016

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

@onion_an

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

@midnightwhale

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

@thenatewolf

*I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter*

Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.

@Dutch_50

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

@TheBoydP

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

@Renie_Rivas

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

@freudianscript

Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.

@sliver_of

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.