Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
You Might Also Like
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
#math
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.