@jesseltaylor

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

- @jesseltaylor

You Might Also Like

@zachreinert03

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

@BritishNicx

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.

@theshantilly

Me: What’s w/the ice pack?

12: I have a headache.

Me: Do you think it’s a good idea to play video games if you have a headache?

12: Yes.

@FrazzleMyGimp

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

@horselythighs

Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic

@onion_an

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

@Parentpains

When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.

@LurkAtHomeMom

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut