(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
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Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
🤣🤣🤣
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.