@carlyken

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

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@ArfMeasures

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

@BritXNic

Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don’t need to hear how you got together.

@_lizharvey

I LOVE THE IDEA OF BOWSER LOVINGLY FOLDING A FLYING RACCOON SUIT AND PUTTING IT IN A TREASURE CHEST FOR ME TO FIND IN HIS DUNGEON.

@Jandalize

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

@karanbirtinna

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

@Angrea

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

@scorpicpanda

Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*

Him: “Where’s the food and why are you naked?”

Me: “Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic.”