me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
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Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix