me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
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I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery