I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
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The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.
Rock beats paper.
And the crowd goes wild.
COP: pull over
ME: no it’s a cardigan
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
“Two long necks please”
Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-
Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
So Kanye West said he is an intellectual who doesn’t read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves.
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.