me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

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I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??


The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.

Rock beats paper.

And the crowd goes wild.


harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey


How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?


“Two long necks please”

Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-

Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down


All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.


So Kanye West said he is an intellectual who doesn’t read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves.


[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”