ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Encore…
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.