Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
You Might Also Like
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies