Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
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I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
my favorite genre of twitter
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
beware of dog
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss: