Me, flirting😏
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My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place