Me, flirtingš
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The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Thatās great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Officer- Iām giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- Thatās heroin
Officer-ā¦
Me- Want some?
Officer-ā¦
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: maāam are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, Iām just trying to reach dinner peas
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether itās pronounced gif or gif, Iāve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*Itās whoa, by the way
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Letās get married.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me: you donāt want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) Iām full
Me: are you sureā¦
4yo: IāM FULL! IāM FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok thenā¦
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: š§
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says āRelax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. Youāre safeā lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I donāt want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(ā¦comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Iām not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
As a dad itās your duty to ask āhow were the roads?ā within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like Iām opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Me: please, Iāve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we donāt do Tupperware
Iām gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didnāt workout yesterday and now youāve gained 35 pounds.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teenās phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
ā when did competitive farting become a thing
ā can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
ā bean-free chili recipes
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when youāre going to need to garrotte a co-worker.