I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
snowmen don’t need scarves, idiots.