@Jerk_Martin

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

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@Adar79Angie

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

@david8hughes

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

@fro_vo

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

@FuckabillyRex

Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.

@DulciePlaid

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

@professorkiosk

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

@Mehrwane

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker