Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Me :
All Day At Night
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!