As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
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My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Cannot stop laughing at this
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years