7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
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I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.