[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
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You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.