*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
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i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
This can never not be funny 😭😭
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.