@SlothSlouch

Me *floating through the endless void of outer space*: Ugh, I feel crowded

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@JenniferJokes

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

@Henry_3000

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

@Birdhumms

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

@Robert_Beau

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

@jakob_huber

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

@AshaRangappa_

Every time I watch a Mt. Everest documentary I realize that there are few things I’d voluntarily like to do less than climb Mt. Everest

@Schmoodles

I call my bedroom ‘The place where the magic happens’ because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.

@tsm560

Me: Is it open casket?

Friend: It’s a wedding!

Me: Oh god nobody wants to see that

@BruceForce

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me