Me *floating through the endless void of outer space*: Ugh, I feel crowded

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Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.


Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.


People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.


Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.


Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough


Every time I watch a Mt. Everest documentary I realize that there are few things I’d voluntarily like to do less than climb Mt. Everest


I call my bedroom ‘The place where the magic happens’ because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.


Me: Is it open casket?

Friend: It’s a wedding!

Me: Oh god nobody wants to see that


I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me