Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.


Got a new cat today. She gives me disapproving looks all the time. I named her Mom.


When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with


Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.


Bro do you even–

Bro I do.

*eyes begin to tear up*
*fist bumping until the sun rises*


[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you


People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.


“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*